How to Listen

·         Listening to parents:

 “To be human is to speak.  To be abundantly human is to speak freely and fully.  The converse of this is a profound truth, also; that the good listener is the best physician for those who are ill in thought and feeling.” (Johnson, 1956, p.20)

Effective involvement of parents in the educational process requires consistent planning and communication.  Good listening and conferencing skills are critically important for working with parents.  Parents want professionals to communicate to them without jargon, and they want to feel at ease with attending a conference.  Parents want information about their child’s social as well as academic behavior, and teachers need to be prepared to share this information through conferences, meetings, or telephone conversations.   Teachers should obtain as much information from parents as is necessary to plan educational programs for their children in their classrooms.  Teachers should establish early contact that is comfortable and nonthreatening to parents, using effective human relations skills.  Teachers should give parents the information they need to work cooperatively with the teacher toward common goals for the children.  Teachers should plan cooperatively with parents which could prevent, alleviate, or solve many problems that arise throughout the child’s educational progress.  Developing good listening skills is important as a teacher. 

There are two classifications for listeners; listeners and non-listeners.  Out of the classification of listeners, there are passive listeners and active listeners.  The passive listener nods the head slightly, and maybe smiles, to let the other person know it is all right to talk.  The passive listener is “there” and “with it.”  A teacher who is not a passive listener but who would like to try to become one may find the role uncomfortable at first.  Nature abhors a vacuum, and the teacher usually can fill silences faster than parents can.  The teacher may want to practice in the teachers’ lounge before venturing into the playing field.  There are also active listeners; the active listener is someone who is involved actively in helping another person identify and clarify his or her problems, beliefs, and value system.  They can feel the ‘rhythm’ of the conversation.  Nonverbally the active listener leans forward and makes more eye contact than usual.  Verbally this teacher reflects back to the parent the feelings he or she hears expressed and may try to reverbalize important and complex statements (“I think I hear you telling me…”) to test his or her perceptions.  This type of listening is hard work, and the parent and teacher may feel drained after such a session. 

Good listening skills can be taught!  Listen to what is being said and repeat good ideas.  This encourages active listening.  Do not take over a parent’s problem by offering solutions or making the parent feel guilty by moralizing.  What the active listener does is to try to clarify the problem and help the parent put it in perspective.

Non-listeners: The passive non-listener- Often seems to ‘hear’ what is being said but is not involved in listening to the feeling content of the messages.  This non-listener tends to miss the emotional and feeling messages that are being sent in a conversation.  When adults stop listening and pursue their own thoughts (perhaps a teacher is in a conference with one family, but is thinking about the next conference) the conversation is pointless.

The passive non-listener.

Active non-listener- There can be a great deal of talk, without any listening.  This happens when neither person is interested in what the other has to say.  Both parents and teachers might have an agenda they want to pass along during a conference and they get so tied up in that they forget to listen to what the other is saying.

Active non-listeners

Deterrents to listening:

1. Fatigue-  Listening is work.  If the mind or body is tired a person will be a much poorer listener.  Teachers who have a number of conferences in a row and have really worked at listening will find their minds wandering towards the end of the day.  Make sure to schedule a break for yourself in between a certain amount of conferences.

2. Strong feelings- At times a child can evoke angry feelings.  A cooling off period may be in order before having a conference with the parents.  Perhaps speaking to the school counselor about your own feelings before entering a conference with parents is a wise step.  Other feeling such as sadness and happiness can also make listening difficult.  Taking stock of oneself before entering a conference is wise.

3. Words- The very words we use and hear can make our pulse neat more rapidly, swear appear, and our eyes dilate (imagine your reaction to hearing these words: “You’re fired!” “I’m pregnant!” “Your child has down syndrome.” “This is the police.”).  Teachers must consider carefully the words they use with parents and realize that certain words may deter or end listening on the parent’s part.

4. Teacher talk- A high percentage of teacher talk time in a parent-teacher conference reduces the amount of listening time.  It is not uncommon for teachers to speak for 80 percent of the time in a conference.  This means that many teachers spend very little time listening to parents.  Be aware of the time you spend talking in a conference.

5. The setting- The physical environment can have an effect on listening.  With a great deal of distraction, attending to another person, either visually or auditorially- is difficult.  Think about the seating, offer refreshments, comfortable lighting?  Soft music?

6. Writing- Writing during a conference is a controversial issue.  With some parents writing inhibits the flow of the conversation; with other parents it increases the conversational flow.  Note taking during a conference is usually more effective than tape recording.  Note taking keeps the parents alert to what is being said and how information is being conveyed without making them uncomfortable.

Many things can affect listening behavior in parent-teacher interactions.  By becoming aware of the deterrents to listening, teachers can work on improving their listening skills.

Video on how to listen better (there is a series of videos offered, all short videos on different aspects of becoming an effective listener)-

Delivering Bad News

All people have to receive bad and good news in their lives and few teachers have been taught or trained to deliver sensitive information.  As a result, some teachers are evasive, some are blunt, some are authoritative, some employ jargon, and most talk without listening.

10 Obstacles to communication about sensitive issues:

1. Ego involvement
2. Differences in knowledge
3. Differences in social status
4. Communicative purposes
5. Emotional distance
6. One-way communication
7. Verbal manipulation
8. Ambiguity of language
9. Role of jargon
10. The pressure of time

Suggestions for delivering what could be perceived as bad news:

1. Provide a comfortable environment.  Make sure you are able to speak in private.
2. Tell the parents together, if possible.  When one parent has to tell the other, misunderstanding and confusion can result.
3. Be aware of the parents readiness level to receive the information.
4. Be aware of your nonverbal cues, they can say more than your verbal statements.
5. Try to have some sense of what the diagnosis means to the parents.
6. Keep the information simple and basic.
7. Try to communicate a sense of being calm and composed.  Try not to communicate feelings hastily.  Allow plenty of time for parent’s questions.
8. Do not argue with parents’ denial.  Denial may be part of the process in the parents’ accepting a handicapping condition.
9. Try to be honest and straight without being brutal.
10. Avoid jargon whenever possible.
11. Be accepting of parents’ reactions.
12. Be aware of one’s own need for power and control in the conference and situation.
13. Be aware that parents may not process all the information given them.

Understanding the Child and Family (Creating Relationships with Parents)

New definition of parent involvement:
The new definition of parent involvement does not require parents to come to the school.  Services and activities can take place in neighborhood settings and at home.  Reach out to include families who lack English language proficiency, self-confidence, or the energy or time to take part in traditional parent involvement activities, as well as those who fear schools because of cultural norms or negative school experiences.  Focus on families instead of on the agendas of teachers and administrators.  This can be extended beyond purely academic functions to all contribution of families to their children’s education.  Focus on and emphasize family strengths rather than their deficits.
Getting parents involved with their child’s education to the extent they have the time, strength, energy, and skill.  Teachers who look at strengths as well as needs, who understand how families work or sometimes don’t work, and who listen and check perceptions will broaden their skills in involving parents.  Overall, parents want teachers who know and care for their child; when parents feel their child is known and cared for they will feel more at ease about being involved.

  

     Video on empowering parents to get involved- 

 

Family Dynamics:

      Understanding the dynamics within a family and knowing the dynamics of a community help the teacher to develop a more appropriate and integrated program for all families.  Knowing families and their backgrounds increases the probability of the teacher being successful in parent involvement programs.  Here is a form to send home at the beginning of the school year for parents to fill out about their child: Getting to Know Your Child, here is another form for parents to fill out about their child: Clue Me In Form.  And here is a form for students to fill out about themselves (upper elementary grades): Student Profile Sheet.  We may want to empathize with families of students with disabilities and imply that we know how they feel; but, unless you also have a child with a disability you cannot have the same feelings.  Teachers should also treat a married couple heterogeneously; parents attitudes can differ on the same situation based on their own background knowledge and experiences (i.e. one parent may have a sibling with down syndrome and view the diagnosis of their child’s down syndrome with a very different lens than the parent who has not experiences down syndrome in their family)…do not treat parents homogenously!  When parents experience either the loss of a child or the loss of a ‘normal’ child when they are diagnosed with a disability a teacher must be knowledgeable of the psychological toll this loss can take on a family (understand the psychological stages of mourning- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance/coping).  Parents can also fall into chronic sorrow, where years later they are still angry and their child is a living reminder of the disability, the challenges they face, and the ‘normal’ child and the dreams and hopes they had for them that they feel are now lost.

Video on how to form relationships with students' families-

Perceptions and diversity of values:

      Whether right or wrong our perceptions of others are formed in a heartbeat.  Unfortunately, how we feel toward someone often is based on wrong perceptions.  At first the wrong body language can turn us on or off a person.  The reality is we really don’t know that person.  Parents gather bits and pieces of information about teachers and schools based on what their child tells them, incidents at school (a tear stained face, torn jeans, a paper with a star…).  Teachers also gather bits and pieces of information from home and they form opinions of the family.  Often, neither parents nor the teachers are correct in their perceptions of the school or the family.  The messages that children bring to school are no more complete than the messages they take home. (Could use home depot/stripping job as an example). 

ID yourself/unpack your knapsack:
Before the school year begins send parents a letter of introduction (this will also be included in the classroom handbook).  The letter should tell parents a little about yourself including your goals for the school year.  It can also be a way to get parents involved (sample letter of introduction p.12 how to handle hard to handle parents).  Here is a link to a letter of introduction template: Welcome Letter.
“If I don’t know who I am and where I'm coming from, how can I help others discover this about themselves?" (Teachers should self-analyze through a self- Conception…).  Teachers must understand their own value systems and try to understand the value systems of others.  Teachers probably deal with a wider range of differences than most adults do.  Children come into the classroom from homes with different religions, different socioeconomic levels, various cultural differences, and different parental views on the importance of education.

If you are a Caucasian teacher, this article may be useful for you to self-assess: White Privilege Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.
And here is a website dedicated to self-analyis: Riley Guide to Self-Assessment.

Background Information and Barriers to Communication

Changing structure of family and society:
In the early years of the United States, parents were involved in every aspect of schools.  Parents taught the children, formed organizations to build schools, raised money for salaries and programs, and encouraged legislation for their children.  More recently, parents have not been as involved in supporting education programs, participating in school meeting, helping with reading programs, and advocating for better schools (Clark, 1995).  Only about 6 percent of all households are of the ‘Norman Rockwell’ type with a working father, home maker mother, and two children of public school age.  52 million households contain a married couple.  41 million households do not have married couples (Hodgkinson, 1992).  Of all children 18 years and younger, 82 percent have working mothers.  About 50 percent of all children born in the United States are born into single parent homes.  More than 3 million children live with their grandparents, about 1.2 million men are raising kids alone, and 3 million women are raising kids by themselves (single mothers are also more likely to love in poverty.  Almost 13 million children live in poverty (most of whom are minorities).  There has been an immense demographic shift has added to the language differences of children and to the schools’ preparedness for addressing these changes.  ‘Families’ today encompass more than parents; today the child’s primary family may consist of grandparents, aunts and uncles, or others.  Many families can also include social and community agencies that serve children.  The divorce rate is high (even higher in families that deal with high stress situations, such as having a child with a disability and higher still for families who have experienced the death of a child).

Here is an interesting article about the changing structure of families in the US: The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.
Here is another article about the changing American family: NYT- The Changing American Family.

Here is a quick video about the changing identification of what makes up a family in the United States:

Barriers to parent involvement:
Because of numerous barriers parents and teachers have great difficulty forming quality home-school partnerships in education.  According to a 1995 Gallop Poll on the public’s attitude toward schools parents are concerned about finances, violence, and disciplinary problems in the schools.  They blame many of the problems of violence and discipline on the break-up of the family.  Parents also indicated in the poll that they want to be more involved in school programs.  In many schools, parents contact has been reduced to a computer printout of a child’s name, a report card every two months, and an opportunity to meet the teacher at an open house once a year.  Research indicates that parent involvement is the strongest factor impacting the child’s success in academic and social behavior performance.  Benefits of parental involvement are overwhelmingly positive: higher grades and test scores, long-term academic achievements, positive attitudes and behavior toward school, better attendance and less tardies, improved parent-teacher communication, better schools, and children from low-income and minority families improve the most when parents are involved (Davies, 1991).

• Time- single and working parents have difficulty finding time to get to meetings, conferences, and school functions.
• Intimidation- Some parents feel intimidated by principals, counselors, and teachers.
• Don’t understand the system- Parents do not understand how the general and special education systems work.
• Child care- Parents often have other children at home, and they feel discouraged in bringing their children to school events.
• Language- ELL’s parents may have problems understanding the printed materials or speeches at meetings.
• Cultural differences- Manners and courtesies are different in different cultures.  One can, unintentionally offend or embarrass parents from different cultures.  Also, religious holidays can cause conflicts.
• Transportation- Some parents lack transportation to attend meetings, conferences, and other school events.
• Not welcomed- Parents sometimes feel they are not welcomed in the school.  Professionals do not make them feel comfortable.

Schools can feel intimidating to people who have had negative experiences with them in the past.

Here is an article about the roadblocks of parent involvement: Parent Involvement Roadblocks.
Here is an article about how to overcome these barriers!: Shattering Parental Involvement Barriers.

Principles to keep in mind as an educator:

1. Services and programs should be individualized based on families’ needs and preferences, and a variety of types and levels of activities should be provided.
2. Parents should be recognized as the special educator, the true experts on their children.
3. All families and children have strengths.
4. Most parents do care and want to help their children; however, sometimes they lack the skills.  These skills are teachable.
5. Lack of involvement may not reflect a lack of caring or concern. 
6.  Accepting and respecting diverse cultural, ethnic, and racial heritage, lifestyle, and values is essential.
7. Family involvement is critical.
8. Successful family involvement is a long-term process that takes time, commitment, and extensive work. 

Suggestions for teachers for involving families in the education of their children: 

• Teachers must aggressively pursue working together with parents.
• Collaborate and cooperate with family agencies, schools, and communities in developing programs on parent/family involvement issues.
• Adopt an open understanding of what ‘family’ is.  A family member is interpreted as any significant other in the child’s life.
• Develop more nontraditional approaches to parent/family involvement. 
• Develop a greater understanding of cultural diversity in society.
• Train educators to enhance and involve parents and families in education
• Support local schools and community agencies in involving parents and families.
• Plan for comprehensive parent/family involvement in education.

Parents need to be involved in more decision making about their children.  Need more educational services delivered to the home and community. And, need more parent/family training in working with their children.

Here is an article about suggestions for teachers when communicating with parents: Communicating with Parents: Suggestions for Teacher. 

Here is another great article on year long parent-teacher communication: Year Long Plan Maintaining Good Parent-Teacher Communication. 
And lastly, 9 Techniques to Building Solid Parent-Teacher Relationships.

Why I created this blog

I created this blog to offer teachers some advice and strategies on how to create and/or improve their communication with parents, with keeping the goal in mind of helping our students to reach their full potential.  Now, more than ever, we need collaboration between families and schools to educate our children for a changed and changing world.  Parents and educators should be viewed as partners rather than combatants.  They should work together rather than blame each other for the child’s lack of optimum growth; parent involvement is the key to good learning.